mafiadotorgfandomcom-20200213-history
Mafia Gazette Past Issue 95
The Mafia Gazette Issue 95 For All The News That Is News (E&OE) Thursday 29th June 'BREAKING NEWS ' A string of high-ranking Mafiosi have been lead to the mortuary recently, following a spate of violence unseen for some time in our cities. Police are still investigating the murders, victims include Toni_A, MagicalTrevorJr, Assorted_I, Pudgy_Seagal, Mechanika, and Mind-Decay. The most prolific, Made Man Toni_A, is rumoured to have been killed by W1tchy, though motives and exact details are not yet known. As for the rest of the murders, there are no confirmed names, though Police have leaked that they are investigating Rosario_Porello, Dani-California, and Giovanni_Ricci. More news to follow on this story in our Monday edition. 'DETROIT MADE IN COMPLETE TURNAROUND ' By John Milton In a bizarre turn of events, former Detroit Made Woman Dani-California is confirmed to have bribed a Police official to the effect of having her rap sheet erased. Rumours had already surfaced of the former Made backing down and giving up her crew in the last edition, and they have now since been confirmed. A source has stated that Dani has given instructions to all of her former crew members to do likewise, but in taking the lead with returning to Citizenship, some former members are feeling that she has effectively abandoned them to save herself. Retaliation has already hit her family, however, with New York Made Woman Rosario Porello striking at the Made Man diezysiete who supposedly took charge of South Texas Death Ride after Dani’s overnight abandonment of her HQ. At the funeral Rosario was reported to have said, “She wants to kill my Made? That’s fine, I’ll just kill hers…” An obvious vengeance strike for the death of Kush, speculation is now rife as to whether Rosario will continue to seek out members of Dani’s abandoned family, and whether a similar fate is destined for anyone carrying her pin on their lapels. More news on this story as it happens. 'UNEMPLOYMENT HITS RECORD HIGH ' By Zinglebert Humptyback Government officials yesterday reluctantly announced that unemployment figures across the US have hit a record high. With more and more immigrants pouring in from the East, the economy has been pushed to breaking point, with employers favouring hiring the immigrants as they can pay them as little as a quarter of what they would pay an average American. With the unemployment so rife, citizens have been more inclined to turn to crime to earn their wage, with street gangs and organized “Mob families” on the rise. Crime rates are reaching a new peak, and with prohibition forcing the trade in illegal alcohol, Police are fearing they will be outnumbered by at least 3 to 1 by the end of the year by crime families setting up “speakeasys” and other illegal operations. Many upstanding members of communities across the country are calling to the government to reconsider prohibition, especially at a time where job opportunities are at a record low. The boost that the return of the alcohol industry would bring could very well save the country, they claim. 'WE, THE PEOPLE ' By John Milton I’d like to take this opportunity to present to you a new feature the Gazette is now offering. We, The People… will be a write-in column that will contain your letters, un-edited, and uncensored. Got an opinion on an article in the Gazette, on anything in print, on anything in general? Write in to We, The People… and let it be known. This feature will appear over the next few editions of the Gazette, and will take your thoughts on any subject featured within the Gazette, or otherwise. A cash prize will be awarded to the star letter of $50,000. Restrictions: No swearing or crass language, this is a respectable newspaper, and we will not print any letters containing this. 'CHURCHES SEE REBIRTH OF FAITH ' By John Milton From visiting many churches across the country recently, the message is all the same. People appear t be flocking en-masse to reaffirm their faith. Since the start of the depression and the rise of Mob rule, Vicars and Priests across the nation have reported record highs in attendance on Sunday mass, and have even been required to build extra confessionals and hire more clergymen to deal with the growing demands. Luckily the collection plates have also benefited from this rise in faith, church accountants have totaled up over a 10,000% rise in donations, which can often reach $1,000,000 at a time from some known crime bosses. This brings rise to the question, are the wicked attempting to buy back their redemption from the Lord? If this is the case, the churches certainly aren’t complaining, with most not being in such good condition since the time of their construction, and clergy are now seen more of the financial force they exhibited during the rise of the Church of England many centuries ago. Is it right, however, for the churches to be funding their growth and upkeep through the profits from illegal alcohol sales, drugs, and murders? As that is where most of the money leaving the pockets of Gangsters is coming from. Please write in with your views to “We, The People”, which will be aired for the first time over the next few editions. 'WHAT’S ON THE MENU ' By KingBenny 16:03, February 16, 2013 (UTC)16:03, February 16, 2013 (UTC)16:03, February 16, 2013 (UTC) 16:03, February 16, 2013 (UTC) The next time you visit Las Vegas, don't visit the Strip- in fact, get as far away from it as possible and go take a walk down Freemont St. and visit The Pit. That's right The Pit. It's basically what it sounds like, a severely plain looking bar, with hardly any decorations, just a simple bar and alcohol. At first it is a bit unsettling and uncomfortable, but the owner, known as Charlie, serves good drink and runs a good drinking hole. A decent place to visit, if you want to get away from all the noise and bustle, and just enjoy a quiet glass of alcohol. 16:03, February 16, 2013 (UTC)16:03, February 16, 2013 (UTC)16:03, February 16, 2013 (UTC) 16:03, February 16, 2013 (UTC) The Café Cl3menza in the city of angels offers a pleasant experience, with the fine aroma of coffee in the air, attractive waitresses, and the wonderful sound of Italian opera music is played in the background, soothing to the ears. The coffee is of good quality, and the food is not too bad either. For those that desire alcohol, drinks are also served upon request. Go visit the Café Cl3menza, the next time you visit Los Angeles. 16:03, February 16, 2013 (UTC)16:03, February 16, 2013 (UTC)16:03, February 16, 2013 (UTC) 16:03, February 16, 2013 (UTC) 'THE REAL WORD ON THE STREET ' He says, “The word on the street is… MoneyPenny’s Mum works for Robin Hood.” He says, “The word on the street is… KingBenny takes reviewing bars WAY too seriously. You don’t need to sample every drink on the menu… *cough* alcoholic *cough*.” He says, “The word on the street is… Gabriella’s monkey isn’t her original monkey, but a replacement. The original was taken captive but she was too tight to pay the ransom.” He says, “The word on the street is… Aphex was seen talking to his inferior grey.” 'CLASSIFIEDS ' Classified ads to John Milton 16:03, February 16, 2013 (UTC)16:03, February 16, 2013 (UTC)16:03, February 16, 2013 (UTC) 16:03, February 16, 2013 (UTC) Gazette writers wanted: Regular columnists needed, excellent pay and conditions. Contact John Milton for further information. 16:03, February 16, 2013 (UTC)16:03, February 16, 2013 (UTC)16:03, February 16, 2013 (UTC) 16:03, February 16, 2013 (UTC) You can freely deposit or withdraw any sum of money you keep with Delucci Banking & Insurance. If you pass away, then 70% of the total sum that was kept in your account will be sent to your next-of-kin. 5% interest of your total bank balance will be paid to you on a weekly basis. - Interest is only paid for an entire week on Saturdays - A PIN number will be assigned to you; it must be used to withdraw funds. It will also be used by your next-of-kin to reclaim your money in case you pass away. - If you lose your PIN number, Delucci Banking & Insurance will not accept any responsibility. -Wire transfers are available for withdrawals; however the cost of the transfer will be taken out of your account. -A full bank statement will be provided, weekly, showing withdrawals, deposits, interest earned, and costs taken for wire transfers. Contact KingBenny for further information.